Use of Space

Feeling a little lonely tonight, wanting a drink but resisting the urge.
Val has her boyfriend over tonight, and I'm listening to music on my iPod and studying to block out their lovey-doveyness, which is endearing, but... oh, I miss having people to adore me.

But I'm not going to cave and drink, not when I'm finally getting away from it.
Actually, just too intimidated to go out and buy a bottle of wine, but whatever works, right?


I did some productive stuff today, bought a printer and some small things that will help improve my space.  I also did this:

... with a short tension rod, for my scarves, and also the corkboard with my favorite jewelry displayed on it, which I rather like.
I also bought (online) an over-the-door hook for hats and purses, which is going on the left-hand closet door, and felt pretty proud of myself for utilizing so much vertical space.

My desk will be here Monday... and my desk chair will be here Wednesday, hahaha...  but more importantly, I have my first class Monday evening, and I'm totally looking forward to that!
I've been trying to decide what outfit I'm wearing, but I feel too fat for everything... naturally.

Speaking of... all of my work clothes were purchased when I was roughly 15lbs lighter... how will my chances of employment be affected if I'm stuck in khakis and polos instead of sharp black trousers and matching blazers?  I need to see to that, immediately.

Budget

Today I went shopping... all on my own!

The grocery store seemed huge, and I was a little intimidated, but I forced myself to walk all around, checking out the aisles for ease of navigation next time.

The produce section highlights what's fresh right then, and I badly want to try some of those little UFO-looking squash!  (Pattypan, they're called pattypan, but apparently other people refer to them as Flying Saucer Squash so... YAY!  I'm not completely insane!)
They also had some fantastic-looking eggplant, and the meat section... OMG THE MEAT SECTION.

I got a little shy because the butcher reminded me of Chef T. from the restaurant, but I won't let that keep me away, because the selection was gorgeous.
I'll work up the courage to ask for soup bones next time, I swear.


The negative was... things in the City are so very expensive.
Getting some produce basics: grapes, strawberries, apples, salad greens, a punnet of tomatoes, was very painful for me, because I'm accustomed to paying $1-2 less for these items at home.
I wanted some cherries, but... they're astronomical.  The small bag would've cost me almost a fifth of my budget, and I just couldn't... nope. :(

I did treat myself to some locally-roasted coffee for a comparable price, though. :)
It's wonderful, advertised as "Dark as Dark" and it lives up to it's name.

And despite the shocking cost, I shared the beautiful ripe strawberries with Valentine, offering them as a "house treat" because there's no way I can eat an entire punnet on my own before they go off.
She was very appreciative, and said she would gladly use the overripe ones in strawberry-peach-banana smoothies, with her thanks.
Because I wanna be a Rarity, not a Fluttershy, dammit.


So... yeah, to stick to my $50/week budget for groceries, sacrifices will have to be made.
In other words... no alcohol.  I can't really afford to go out, either, until I have a job, so... good thing my resume looks fucking awesome and I have a couple of leads on jobs already, yeah!?

But seriously, above socialization, my first paycheck is going completely into home improvement.
I need some things, like bookshelves and a bedside table... and I want a lot of things, like a swag lamp for above my bed, a ladder stand next to the window for some silk flowers and knicknacks, a chest of drawers for the winter things I still have stored in the garage... I have plans, man.


Okay, now... the not-so-good thing I've been skirting around...
I love Val, but I'm really, really triggered by her.  She eats very healthy and works out twice a day, as well as going for walks with the puppy, and... even before I moved in, my intake has been pretty steadily decreasing, because I can't stand the idea of being "fatter" than her.
Without my mother constantly ribbing me to eat, I'm pretty much... not hungry.

Whenever I feel hungry, I remind myself that I need to budget my food, and it kills my appetite.

I'm also very, very nervous about school, and the stress of moving and having to get accustomed to new habits and locations has not been good for my mind.  I've been compulsively drawing how I want my space to look, and making endless lists.  I feel out of control, so I resort to old habits to bring the level of anxiety down, and losing weight is one of those habits.

I've lost 5lbs. in 7 days, and I'm elated.
I know this can't be sustained, this can't continue, but I just feel like... if I could have my coveted 118lbs, where I was just beginning to feel okay about myself... and if I wasn't so alcohol-dependent, so self-destructive, maybe, maybe I could push it a tiny bit lower, and finally feel okay.

But I know from past experience, that's never the case.

Home Free

We drank wine and ate dates and cheese and crackers and watched a horrible movie.



More on the topic of Roomie... I've decided to call her Valentine, or Val for short.
It seems to suit her somehow, she's... sparkly.

Not bubbly, because that implies something more of the cheerleader set, but sparkly.


She's super-into health and fitness and goes to the gym twice a day.
I could hate her, if she wasn't so likeable.  :)

Instead, she says things like:
"We'll have to go for a walk so you can learn the streets around here!"
or "I know the best place for fresh produce, I'll take you!"
and "There are a couple of wine bars around here, you'll meet someone in no time!"

She's positively sparkly.


It was fun getting to know her, and explaining some basic things about my life to this point was easier with a little bit of wine to smooth the way.  Like I said last night, I think we're going to be friends.


Today on the agenda:  picking up books, brushing up my resume, emailing it to a few key people who are going to help me with getting my name out there.

Cliff Diver

"Welp, that's the last of it."

I shut the trunk firmly with both hands, dusted them off theatrically, and grinned at the oft-repeated movie cliche put to action.
Suddenly, I felt very, very happy.


I checked all of the drawers for... oh, probably the hundredth time, peeking under furniture just to be certain I hadn't missed anything, no matter how small.
Reassured myself that if I forgot anything, it wasn't as though I could never come back.

Peeked in on my stored art collection and old school notes, safely stored in a cool, dark space, somewhere they weren't likely to be discovered and commandeered.
Packed and unpacked the art a couple of times, but ultimately decided I would save them for when I have an apartment of my own, and can properly hang them.

Shopped online for new sheets, wondering if I was a warm golden paisley, a prim ladylike floral, or a brightly colored spray of wildflowers on a navy field.
Smiled as I realized, I can be anyone I want to be.
Put aside the chore of shopping for my new persona for later.


I ran some errands, because even at the core of me, I am a gracious guest.
Laughed when I realized I was also the gracious host now, I live there too.  Actually, right now, more of me is there than here... the only thing not in the car is my laptop bag, a box of books too heavy for me to move alone, and my mini-fridge.

Everything else is waiting for me there, eager for me to unpack it, shift it about, give it a new purpose, a new place to function within.
My heart lingers here, though... I waste time, drinking another cup of coffee, checking the drawers again, as though I might find my courage hidden away in a corner.

I put my toes on the precipice.
I take my last swig of coffee.

See you on the city side.

About-to-Be

I'm tired, despite crashing after the Percocet and sleeping for 12 hours.
Sleep was fitful, nightmares in bursts, periods of wide-awakeness where I'd come to, convinced I wasn't breathing, calming down, and then drinking another glass of wine to put myself under again.

... I had a dream that I was urgently whispering something into A's ear, something he needed to know, but in my dream I was speaking Spanish (???) so I have no idea what I said.


Ah, well... it's not worth dwelling on.

I woke up on time, showered, dressed, drank too much coffee and wanted more.
Ate a bunch of grapes out of the palm of my hand while I stared out of the window at the cloudy sky, wondering if there was rain in the forecast.

A dreary day has the oddest pervasion, like... like it never really progressed past dawn.

A feeling of about-to-be, a blank slate, a day full of possibility, waiting to strike.


I packed everything but the heavy stuff: dresser, mini-fridge, big-ass box of books, area rug I think may work out well with the lime-green walls, and put my sunglasses in my car, just in case.
Because you never know when dawn might break, on a day like today.


My eyes are sore and itchy from last night's crying, but they're fixed on the horizon, hoping.
So that's good.

Chardonnay Ramblings

It's a nice night, a really nice night.
I keep jumping at text messages, thinking it will be A.  It's not.

I'm feeling really sad about this turn of events, I dreamed about him indirectly last night, seeing a road marker which stated his "full name" (the one he gave, at least) and realizing we were driving down the wrong path.  Having to turn back, start again from The Beginning.


I dreamed about moving, my parents being back together, my sister being 11, me being 19.
(This is a common theme, when I dream of her, she's rarely her current self, always this awkward kid who looks up to me to protect her.)
I think this might be common for sufferers of BPD, "seeing" things in dreams as they were when your mind broke completely and ceased progression.  Those ultra-realistic dreams.


I swore to myself last night that I wouldn't, but here I am, drinking because I can.
I knew better than to buy the bottle of chardonnay, but I bought it anyway, because I have no impulse control.   Also, because I wanted to sleep tonight.

The alibi is wanting to get my "last hurrah" in, I suppose.
Considering I told my roommate J. that I don't drink.  Hopefully, that will keep me in line.

Also, I had a nice, sensible, delicious dinner tonight, and I feel good. 
(Baked chicken breast with caramelized green onion and a heaping side of steamed lemon broccoli, if you were wondering!)


So fortified, I'm ready to get the rest of my packing done, and get all set for my official move-in day on Monday!  Hurrah!

Stranger: Familiar

So, hopefully you've figured it out by now, I'm a blogger on the run, someone you know, and if you've received an invitation to read this blog, it's because I count you as a trustworthy friend.

I made a mistake, I allowed myself to be too findable, and... well, I'm a really trusting person.

It came to light that A. had found my other blog and read a... a significant and damning portion of it, and was using some of the juicier bits to tease information out of me, posing as a kindred soul with a preternatural level of understanding about my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.
I figured it out, confronted him, and he confirmed it.
I had hysterics over this last night.

I don't know if he intended this playfully, maliciously, or what, and I won't know, because I'm not speaking to him any more.  I don't think A. is a dangerous person, just a misguided one.
I'm certain there was something further he hid from me, because when I demanded some choice information of my own, an exchange of hostages, so to speak, he declined to produce anything... and I'm very hurt over this, but it doesn't matter, I'm done with his games.


Also, there's a small chance that P. found my blog as well, but I'm going on nothing more concrete than the fact that he was playing on my laptop while I was in the shower the other morning, and he's a nosey sort.  Certainly egocentric enough to want to know what I truly thought about him.

Ironically, I would freely have let either of them read my thoughts (after a bit of judicious editing), if only they had asked what I wrote about, but the crushing rockslide of betrayal and suspicion has led me to this course of action.  I can't continue to use my old blog as a safe place to hide...
... but I can't deny that it's a good and worthwhile thing to have, and there was a purpose of writing it.


So, my old blog will remain open, a standing monument to the past 7 years of my life, and one that I'm not ashamed or regretful of... and this one will serve as a record of the new chapter.