Budget

Today I went shopping... all on my own!

The grocery store seemed huge, and I was a little intimidated, but I forced myself to walk all around, checking out the aisles for ease of navigation next time.

The produce section highlights what's fresh right then, and I badly want to try some of those little UFO-looking squash!  (Pattypan, they're called pattypan, but apparently other people refer to them as Flying Saucer Squash so... YAY!  I'm not completely insane!)
They also had some fantastic-looking eggplant, and the meat section... OMG THE MEAT SECTION.

I got a little shy because the butcher reminded me of Chef T. from the restaurant, but I won't let that keep me away, because the selection was gorgeous.
I'll work up the courage to ask for soup bones next time, I swear.


The negative was... things in the City are so very expensive.
Getting some produce basics: grapes, strawberries, apples, salad greens, a punnet of tomatoes, was very painful for me, because I'm accustomed to paying $1-2 less for these items at home.
I wanted some cherries, but... they're astronomical.  The small bag would've cost me almost a fifth of my budget, and I just couldn't... nope. :(

I did treat myself to some locally-roasted coffee for a comparable price, though. :)
It's wonderful, advertised as "Dark as Dark" and it lives up to it's name.

And despite the shocking cost, I shared the beautiful ripe strawberries with Valentine, offering them as a "house treat" because there's no way I can eat an entire punnet on my own before they go off.
She was very appreciative, and said she would gladly use the overripe ones in strawberry-peach-banana smoothies, with her thanks.
Because I wanna be a Rarity, not a Fluttershy, dammit.


So... yeah, to stick to my $50/week budget for groceries, sacrifices will have to be made.
In other words... no alcohol.  I can't really afford to go out, either, until I have a job, so... good thing my resume looks fucking awesome and I have a couple of leads on jobs already, yeah!?

But seriously, above socialization, my first paycheck is going completely into home improvement.
I need some things, like bookshelves and a bedside table... and I want a lot of things, like a swag lamp for above my bed, a ladder stand next to the window for some silk flowers and knicknacks, a chest of drawers for the winter things I still have stored in the garage... I have plans, man.


Okay, now... the not-so-good thing I've been skirting around...
I love Val, but I'm really, really triggered by her.  She eats very healthy and works out twice a day, as well as going for walks with the puppy, and... even before I moved in, my intake has been pretty steadily decreasing, because I can't stand the idea of being "fatter" than her.
Without my mother constantly ribbing me to eat, I'm pretty much... not hungry.

Whenever I feel hungry, I remind myself that I need to budget my food, and it kills my appetite.

I'm also very, very nervous about school, and the stress of moving and having to get accustomed to new habits and locations has not been good for my mind.  I've been compulsively drawing how I want my space to look, and making endless lists.  I feel out of control, so I resort to old habits to bring the level of anxiety down, and losing weight is one of those habits.

I've lost 5lbs. in 7 days, and I'm elated.
I know this can't be sustained, this can't continue, but I just feel like... if I could have my coveted 118lbs, where I was just beginning to feel okay about myself... and if I wasn't so alcohol-dependent, so self-destructive, maybe, maybe I could push it a tiny bit lower, and finally feel okay.

But I know from past experience, that's never the case.

Cliff Diver

"Welp, that's the last of it."

I shut the trunk firmly with both hands, dusted them off theatrically, and grinned at the oft-repeated movie cliche put to action.
Suddenly, I felt very, very happy.


I checked all of the drawers for... oh, probably the hundredth time, peeking under furniture just to be certain I hadn't missed anything, no matter how small.
Reassured myself that if I forgot anything, it wasn't as though I could never come back.

Peeked in on my stored art collection and old school notes, safely stored in a cool, dark space, somewhere they weren't likely to be discovered and commandeered.
Packed and unpacked the art a couple of times, but ultimately decided I would save them for when I have an apartment of my own, and can properly hang them.

Shopped online for new sheets, wondering if I was a warm golden paisley, a prim ladylike floral, or a brightly colored spray of wildflowers on a navy field.
Smiled as I realized, I can be anyone I want to be.
Put aside the chore of shopping for my new persona for later.


I ran some errands, because even at the core of me, I am a gracious guest.
Laughed when I realized I was also the gracious host now, I live there too.  Actually, right now, more of me is there than here... the only thing not in the car is my laptop bag, a box of books too heavy for me to move alone, and my mini-fridge.

Everything else is waiting for me there, eager for me to unpack it, shift it about, give it a new purpose, a new place to function within.
My heart lingers here, though... I waste time, drinking another cup of coffee, checking the drawers again, as though I might find my courage hidden away in a corner.

I put my toes on the precipice.
I take my last swig of coffee.

See you on the city side.

About-to-Be

I'm tired, despite crashing after the Percocet and sleeping for 12 hours.
Sleep was fitful, nightmares in bursts, periods of wide-awakeness where I'd come to, convinced I wasn't breathing, calming down, and then drinking another glass of wine to put myself under again.

... I had a dream that I was urgently whispering something into A's ear, something he needed to know, but in my dream I was speaking Spanish (???) so I have no idea what I said.


Ah, well... it's not worth dwelling on.

I woke up on time, showered, dressed, drank too much coffee and wanted more.
Ate a bunch of grapes out of the palm of my hand while I stared out of the window at the cloudy sky, wondering if there was rain in the forecast.

A dreary day has the oddest pervasion, like... like it never really progressed past dawn.

A feeling of about-to-be, a blank slate, a day full of possibility, waiting to strike.


I packed everything but the heavy stuff: dresser, mini-fridge, big-ass box of books, area rug I think may work out well with the lime-green walls, and put my sunglasses in my car, just in case.
Because you never know when dawn might break, on a day like today.


My eyes are sore and itchy from last night's crying, but they're fixed on the horizon, hoping.
So that's good.