Budget

Today I went shopping... all on my own!

The grocery store seemed huge, and I was a little intimidated, but I forced myself to walk all around, checking out the aisles for ease of navigation next time.

The produce section highlights what's fresh right then, and I badly want to try some of those little UFO-looking squash!  (Pattypan, they're called pattypan, but apparently other people refer to them as Flying Saucer Squash so... YAY!  I'm not completely insane!)
They also had some fantastic-looking eggplant, and the meat section... OMG THE MEAT SECTION.

I got a little shy because the butcher reminded me of Chef T. from the restaurant, but I won't let that keep me away, because the selection was gorgeous.
I'll work up the courage to ask for soup bones next time, I swear.


The negative was... things in the City are so very expensive.
Getting some produce basics: grapes, strawberries, apples, salad greens, a punnet of tomatoes, was very painful for me, because I'm accustomed to paying $1-2 less for these items at home.
I wanted some cherries, but... they're astronomical.  The small bag would've cost me almost a fifth of my budget, and I just couldn't... nope. :(

I did treat myself to some locally-roasted coffee for a comparable price, though. :)
It's wonderful, advertised as "Dark as Dark" and it lives up to it's name.

And despite the shocking cost, I shared the beautiful ripe strawberries with Valentine, offering them as a "house treat" because there's no way I can eat an entire punnet on my own before they go off.
She was very appreciative, and said she would gladly use the overripe ones in strawberry-peach-banana smoothies, with her thanks.
Because I wanna be a Rarity, not a Fluttershy, dammit.


So... yeah, to stick to my $50/week budget for groceries, sacrifices will have to be made.
In other words... no alcohol.  I can't really afford to go out, either, until I have a job, so... good thing my resume looks fucking awesome and I have a couple of leads on jobs already, yeah!?

But seriously, above socialization, my first paycheck is going completely into home improvement.
I need some things, like bookshelves and a bedside table... and I want a lot of things, like a swag lamp for above my bed, a ladder stand next to the window for some silk flowers and knicknacks, a chest of drawers for the winter things I still have stored in the garage... I have plans, man.


Okay, now... the not-so-good thing I've been skirting around...
I love Val, but I'm really, really triggered by her.  She eats very healthy and works out twice a day, as well as going for walks with the puppy, and... even before I moved in, my intake has been pretty steadily decreasing, because I can't stand the idea of being "fatter" than her.
Without my mother constantly ribbing me to eat, I'm pretty much... not hungry.

Whenever I feel hungry, I remind myself that I need to budget my food, and it kills my appetite.

I'm also very, very nervous about school, and the stress of moving and having to get accustomed to new habits and locations has not been good for my mind.  I've been compulsively drawing how I want my space to look, and making endless lists.  I feel out of control, so I resort to old habits to bring the level of anxiety down, and losing weight is one of those habits.

I've lost 5lbs. in 7 days, and I'm elated.
I know this can't be sustained, this can't continue, but I just feel like... if I could have my coveted 118lbs, where I was just beginning to feel okay about myself... and if I wasn't so alcohol-dependent, so self-destructive, maybe, maybe I could push it a tiny bit lower, and finally feel okay.

But I know from past experience, that's never the case.